Monday, April 14, 2014

AND DON'T MAKE ME GO ALL JOAN CRAWFORD ON YOUR ASS!

Pepsi Travel Arrangements (1964)
Note: These explicit instructions fell into the hands of Life magazine (2/21/64),
which published them to great public merriment.
 
...The following hotel accommodations are to be prepared. The top suite (including three bedrooms) in the hotels indicated. This should be the best suite available. A single room for Mr. Kelly is to be reserved nearby on the same floor. NOTE: The three-bedroom suite is for Miss Crawford and Miss Brinke. The single is not to be part of the suite, it is not one of the three-bedrooms in the suite but it is to be ready.
 
NOTE: A special press conference room or suite should be promoted from the hotel. Press conferences described below are not to be held in the Crawford suite. Press suite to be the size of a normal hotel luncheon room.

NOTE: The two pilots of the Pepsi-Cola plane will have to have a single room each in the hotel.

The following special arrangements are required at each hotel. Use this check list very carefully: there may be no deviations.
  1. A uniformed security officer is to be assigned to the door of the hotel suite 24 hours a day. You are not to use a city policeman and you are not to use the hotel detective. This security officer should be hired from Pinkerton or some similar organization...
  2. The following items are to be in the suite prior to Joan Crawford's arrival:

    i) Cracked ice in buckets -- several buckets
    ii) Lunch and dinner menus
    iii) Pen and pencils and pads of paper
    iv) Professional-size hair dryer
    v) Steam iron and board
    vi) One carton of King Sano cigarettes
    vii) One bowl of peppermint Life Savers
    viii) Red and yellow roses
    ix) Case of Pepsi-Cola, ginger ale, soda
  3. There is to be a maid on hand in the suite when Miss Crawford arrives at the hotel. She is to stand by until Miss Crawford dismisses her.
  4. The following liquor is to be in the suite when Miss Crawford arrives:

    i) Two-fifths of 100-proof Smirnoff vodka. Note: this is not 80 proof and it is only
    Smirnoff
    ii) One fifth Old Forester bourbon
    iii) One fifth Chivas Regal Scotch
    iv) One fifth Beefeater gin
    v) Two bottles Moet & Chandon champagne (Type: Dom Perignon).
The detailed instructions...are to tell you how far you may go. They are very explicit for the precise purpose that we do not want money over and above that required for the details included here to be spent.
    NO CASH ADVANCES ARE AUTHORIZED WITHOUT PRIOR APPROVAL
    NO "PAID-OUTS" EXCEPT AS INDICATED ABOVE ARE AUTHORIZED. NOTE: IN MOST CITIES IT WILL BE POSSIBLE TO "WORK A DEAL" FOR HOTEL ACCOMMODATIONS REQUIRED, IT WILL BE TO YOUR CREDIT IF YOU CAN!
    IMPORTANT: WATCH THE COSTS OF THIS TOUR. NEITHER MISS CRAWFORD NOR THIS OFFICE WILL APPRECIATE YOUR THROWING MONEY AWAY. YOU ARE ACCOUNTABLE FOR EVERY CENT YOU SPEND -- WATCH IT -- AND SUBSTANTIATE IT!
There is a specific way of handling Miss Crawford's schedule in each market. The following detailed outline will provide you with all of the information you require to execute this schedule to the complete satisfaction of everyone. Any proposed deviation from this routine must be cleared first. Assume nothing, take nothing for granted.
  1. Miss Crawford will not go to any radio, television studios or newspaper offices. Don't suggests it, don't request it.
  2. Plan a print media (e.g., newspapers and magazines) press conference for 10 a.m. Miss Crawford will sit on a couch in front of a coffee table with chairs arranged in a half-moon around the couch and table.
  3. Arrange radio interviews for 10:30 or 11:00, depending on the number of reporters at the press conference. These radio interviews are to be set in the same suite (not Miss Crawford's). Arrange for a number of card tables with two chairs each for various places in the suite, and Miss Crawford will go from one to the other for exclusive radio interviews.
  4. Television should be arrange for the same suite. They can be set up for 11:00 a.m. depending on the number of radio shows. Television lights and cameras can be set up back at the couch while Miss Crawford is doing her radio interviews from card table to card table.
  5. EXCLUSIVES: When it is absolutely necessary, and when the person involved is of truly top stature, Miss Crawford will give an exclusive...
    It is extremely important that you arrange events at the hotel exactly as outlined above...
Miss Crawford will be met in an air-conditioned, chauffeur-driven, newly cleaned Cadillac limousine. Instruct your chauffeurs that they are not to smoke and that may not at any time drive in excess of 40 miles an hour with Miss Crawford in the car.

Miss Crawford will be carrying a minimum of 15 pieces of luggage. Along with the limousine you will meet Miss Crawford's plane with a closed van for the luggage. Have with you a luggage handler who can accompany the van back to the hotel. It will be his task to take an inventory of the luggage as it comes off the plane and into the van, and as it is being brought into Miss Crawford's suite. There will be a few small items which will go with Miss Crawford in the limousine. Mr. Kelly will supervise this particular part of the operation. Luggage trucks to follow limousine and remain within sight of the limousine.

Every precaution should be taken to assure that none of the luggage is misplaced. Fifteen pieces is the estimated minimum. There may be considerably more and it will be possible for confusion to result. Anticipate this problem and be absolutely certain that a careful inventory of all luggage is maintained at all times during the arrival and departure.

Miss Crawford is a star in every sense of the word; and everyone knows she is a star. Miss Crawford will not appreciate your throwing away money on empty gestures. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO MAKE EMPTY GESTURES TO PROVE TO MISS CRAWFORD OR ANYONE ELSE THAT SHE IS A STAR OF THE FIRST MAGNITUDE.

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