Tuesday, February 16, 2010

WARNING: Watching the deliciously nutso sci-fi film 'DECOYS' will eliminate all your bladder control. Wear your pampers, dears, (You are going to pee.)

Like Species on laughing gas, DECOYS is the tale of a Canadian University suddenly infested with man-hungry aliens. You'd think they'd be rather easy to spot, what with their rather unsavory habit of projecting flailing tentacles from their navels and forcing them down the throats of any unfortunate male who happens to give them a filthy glance. But these sneaky intergalactic vixens have arrived prepared. They've disguised themselves as large-bosomed Lolitas, and they won't rest until they've had their nottie way with every unsuspecting horny male in sight.

Understandably, these buxom alien hotties meet with very little resistence from almost every man on campus. But our hero, (sexy dorm-dwelling freshman Corey Sevier), isn't just ANY man. You see, After sneaking into a sorority girl's dorm room to return some quarters, Sevier spies one of the alien tarts sprouting tentacles in front of her roomie - who's casually huffing away on liquid nitrogen (Don't ask). And so Sevier comes to the conclusion that these two are, in fact, not of this planet - though none of his friends wants to believe him. But after a pair of suspicious deaths, Sevier becomes convinced he's right. Armed with a flame-thrower, and a seemingly bottomless reservoir of horrendously bad Schwarzenneger-style one-liners, ("Belt of Orion?" screams our gas-torch wielding hero. "How about Belt of O'FRYIN'?" ), he begins investigating.

DECOYS isn't going to be included on anyone's list of the all-time greatest sci-fi horror flicks, but it definitely had us in stitches from start to finish. This is a film where a man hauled into the police station as the chief suspect for a string of murders will happily explain his crackpot theory about diabolical spacesluts, and never mention the fact that he has a rock solid alibi. It's the kind of film where the investigating detective (Richard Burgi in full ham mode) repeatedly - and inexplicably - refers to said suspect as "puppy". And it's the kind of film where the hero dresses up as a Ghostbuster, demands complete strangers show him their navels, and hurls boiling-hot water at them to prove they're not of this earth. (Quite frankly, the guy's clearly insane and should be locked up - whether he's correct or not!)


 

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I'm just an ordinary housewife and mother...just like all you ordinary housewives and mothers out there.